i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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