girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
