When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
