So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
