hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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