You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
