Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
