she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
