Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Houston, we have a squirter
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
