I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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