dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
