I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
