just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
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