Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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