She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
