Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
