You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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