i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
