smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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