i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
