I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
