I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
