remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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