I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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