last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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