I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
