dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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