Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
