ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
