I am puke
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
