I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
