I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
