Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
