just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
