I wanna bring you to show and tell
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
