whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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