Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
