i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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