"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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