i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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