You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
