rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
