I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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