She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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