By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
