Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
