sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
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