you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
