grandma shit on top of the toilet
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
