3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
