Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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