i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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