im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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